Maybe it’s because the 10th anniversary  of 911 that I’m feeling such angst this morning.  I know I’m missing my daughter, Addy, this morning, whom I was with on that morning. At the time I was working from home so that I could tend to her. I remember that I was so caught up in watching on TV what was  going on that I smeared apricot baby food on her face. Of course, I’ve told this story many times, as so many others have told their stories of where they were on that morning. But Addy called me yesterday (she’s with her mom this weekend) to ask me about it again, wanting to know what kind of food I got all over her face and did she cry or laugh. I told her I couldn’t really remember, although I was pretty sure she didn’t cry. She was just a happy baby eating her breakfast.

I suppose that some of my angst is because of the move. I’m moving back in with my folks, which I’m kind of torn about. Of course, it is not the ideal situation. I mean, I’m 43 and should have my own place. And, right now I could probably continue to rent my apartment. I could probably just afford it, for a few months anyway. But I currently don’t have any serious debt and want to avoid that. I have a bit of saving but the last thing I want to do is eat that up. That, I hope, will go for a house some day, a place for me and Addy, where she can have her own room, her own space. Also, I think that my parents could use my help. My mom needs help taking care of my father, whose health is failing. And they need help with the upkeep of the house. Perhaps that will sound like a rationalization to some. Oh well…. But considering the state of the economy, especially the job-market, it seems a necessary move.

I’m also stressing about my job situation. I don’t have one, and of course I’d like to have one. I’m waiting to hear about a job this week. I’m also torn about that. I want a job but this one will mean long hours, 50-60 per week. I’m not afraid to work long hours but I’ll see my daughter a lot less because of that. I’ll be seeing her less in any case, because living with my parents won’t allow me to have her as much as I do now. But I don’t see how I can NOT take a job offer in this economy. How many people find a new job a month after they lose their job? Not that many would be my guess. I hear stories all the time about people being out of work for 6 months, a year, two even three years. Yikes! And then of course I’m afraid that they’ll contact me and decide to pass for whatever reason. Then I’ll be back to the drawing board, starting over. Sigh.

But I suppose that I should really count myself lucky. Yes, I lost my job but I have quality work experience and a good education to prop me up. And I have a place to go, someplace I can stay that will allow me save money for mine and my daughter’s future while affording me the opportunity to help my parents. And while 911 scared the crap out of me badly, I lost no family or friends. Things could be worse. Of course, I worry that just saying that could somehow jinx me. Knock on wood.

It was cloudy this morning, and it appeared that it had rained last night, the ground wet, puddles in the parking lot of my apartment complex, but the sun seems to be coming out. Maybe I’ll go for a walk.

The New Job Searching Reality

When I was a kid I had jobs that included mowing lawns, cleaning gutters and window wells, and delivering news papers, plus assorted odd jobs such as painting and pulling weeds or whatever. I came by those job via word of mouth, mostly.

When I was a teenager I just went from place to place asking if they were hiring and if they were they gave me an application.That was pretty much the deal for a long time, although when I was in college, attending Macomb Community College, they had a job placement office that had binders with job posting and you went through the different binders until you found something.

The last time I job searched was a little more than seven years ago. I created a resume and mailed them out along with a cover letter on really nice paper. I did find most of the jobs that I applied for via the internet, on Monster.com and careerbuilders.com. Now there are so many online job boards. I did find a few via the newspaper classifieds. Although the job I ended up getting, the one before my most recent job, was via family. Well, via my ex-wife’s family. My job at the library I found by visiting their web site.

Now, you have to submit your resume and cover letter via the internet, uploading your documents from your computer to databases. Although a more effective way to submit is to get a hold of someone’s email address and email your materials directly to them. That requires a contact usually, or some creative investigating, figuring out the email pattern and identifying a person and trying to create their email address. It can be a crap shoot.

Something else that’s different about the job search process I discovered  yesterday. It has to do with response time. When you mailed in a resume and cover letter you knew it would be awhile before you heard back. It was similar even with email, although the response time was  usually shortened. Now, with databases, the response time can be almost immediate. I applied for a job via a company’s web site yesterday and perhaps an hour or so later I got a call from a recruiter. And I had a phone interview right on the spot. It was a little jarring. I wasn’t really prepared for an interview. In my defense, the recruiter guy wasn’t all that prepared either. He asked me why I was attracted to the job, which was difficult for me to answer, but it was also difficult for him to “tell me more about the job” when I asked.  Perhaps because of that he cut me a little slack. I hope so anyway.

In any case, it was a response, which is always good. Yesterday was a good job-search day. I applied for 5 different jobs, got a call and phone interview with the possibility of call back later this week. Today: not so good. Was unable to find a single job to apply for. Sigh.

The source of my angst ….today

Sometimes I just can’t help wondering where it comes from, this angst. I wake up and I’m fine, I feel good. And then I remember that the AC was running all night because it was so damn hot last night and I start wondering how much that is going to cost me. I’m scared to get my power bill this month. Because when I first moved in my second power bill was enormous and it seemed out of whack but of course I couldn’t convince the customer service jag-off of that and so what else could I do but pay  it. I can’t afford big power bills but if I dont’ pay it that fucks up my credit rating and…..

It’s six a.m. and I know exactly where I am, and I wish that I could be anywhere else. I try to go back to sleep for thirty minutes but my mind is racing already so you can forget about a few extra winks. And I remember that I won’t be seeing my daughter today after work; she’s going with her mom to a BBQ. And that makes me sad. I’ve got nothing planned for this evening, no distractions. Everyone I know is busy, has plans, or just not responding. I feel as if I have no friends.  I suppose I could go to my parents’ for dinner. I’m always welcome there, I know. But sometimes….I don’t know.

Then, I got to work this morning and when I went to check my gmail account there was no job alerts. I get these job alerts delivered to my email in-box via indeed.com. And when they weren’t there I felt this panic because there always there. But I mean, really, what’s the big deal anyway? I could easily just go to indeed.com and do the searches myself. But for some reason it bothers me. And I begin to really worry about my job situation, that I’ll never find another job, or if I do it will be some piece of crap job that I won’t have any choice but to take and I’ll be stuck with it forever.

And like that I’m having a crap day, one like I haven’t had in awhile. I can’t even concentrate enough for the measly hour of my lunch break to enjoy reading a book.

But then, after my lunch break, I sit down at my desk and check my email and there they are — the job alerts. And yeah, out of the dozens of jobs listings there’s only one that I can really apply for and even that is a long-shot, it’s better than nothing. There’s hope.

 

 

 

Dental chat

I woke up thinking about a conversation that I had with my dentist yesterday. Okay, it wasn’t really a conversation so much as he talked while I nodded my headed and uttered garbled responses because he had his hands in my mouth. It’s a tricky thing to carry on a conversation while you are in the dentist chair. You have to sneak in your comments when the dentist pauses to grab another instrument or check your ex-rays or something like that.

Anyhoo… we got on the subject of the crap economy after I told him about my impending lay-off. I was explaining how tight the j0b market is, especially here in Michigan, which of course he knew. And that the jobs that are available are often only part-time or temporary contract work, that unfortunately that seemed as if it was going to be part of the new reality work-wise. He pointed out that in discussions with small-business owners that he knows and has met that many of them are leery about hiring on full-time people because they don’t know how Obama Care is going to work once it is implemented — in what is it? 2014.

It was a good point. Because I had to admit I was every bit as confused. The Obama Administration and supporting Dems have done a terrible job explaining the new health care law and how it will work, perhaps because they don’t really know. Perhaps no one really knows. If someone does and can explain it, I’d be willing to listen, and even take notes.

My dentist also speculated that even if the economy does pick up and Obama Care works well (or at least doesn’t suck ass) they might just stick with running their businesses with a skeleton crew of full-time workers, filling in gaps with outsourcing, automation, and part-time and contract workers. Of course, an unintended consequence of this may be that people will reduce, perhaps even drastically, their spending habits on products and services. I know that if I’m only working part-time or on temporary contact I am NOT going to be spending my money. I”m going to be saving it, especially because I might need it in the even of a  medical emergency. Hell, forget emergency, I might need it for something minor, like a simply visit to the doctor’s office.

Which brings me back to the dentist, because I’m going to have to decide if I want to shell out money now to have him fix a filling and possibly put in a crown. Even with insurance, which I’ll have until the end of August, I’ll still have to pay out of pocket, but it won’t be as much as if a tooth suddenly goes bad when I don’t have insurance. And I have a tendency to grind my teeth at night which wears down the enamel and weakens fillings etc.  Not sure what to do at this point. It’s going to depend on the estimates I get back.

Another day off

I took yesterday (Friday) off work and fared better than I did on Tuesday. I think because I didn’t spend all day in the apartment. First, in the morning I went for a walk — it was gorgeous outside. After that I did some job searching. Applied for 2 jobs, three less than my 5 per day goal but it was better than nothing, like on Tuesday. Then I got out of the apartment again. I went to see a movie, “The Tree of Life” at the Main Art Theater in downtown Royal Oak. And it was only five bucks. I love a cheap movie, although not as cheap as when I was in grad school at Western Michigan in Kalamazoo. Then I went to movies for 99 cents. One hot summer day I saw “Toy  Story” four (or was it five) times back to back just to keep out of the heat an in the AC.  “The Tree of Life” was interesting, of course, precisely what I’d expect from director Terrence Malick. It was long, but good. Perhaps a bit too long for the woman sitting behind me — she was asleep, snoring, by the end. Anyhoo… after the movie I headed over to my parents’ to hang out and grab some dinner. It was a fairly full day.

The trick is to keep busy, have things to do, which is probably pretty obvious. Anyway, in that tradition, since I could not sleep past 7am this morning I got up and hit the internet hard for a job. Applied for 3 jobs today. Soon I’ll be heading out to get my oil changed and do some laundry and grocery shopping. And who knows, perhaps another movie.

On a related job note: I got a friend who’s going to look at my resume and a sample cover letter. And she’s hopefully willing to work with me, possibly provide some contacts. She’s a connector, i.e. she knows a lot of people, and that could be a big help.

Dry run

Today was kind of a dry run for when my job ends. I stayed home from work (in part because I was so wiped from playing back-to-back kickball games last night at 8 and 9pm and then hanging at the bar until almost midnight) and figured it would give me a good idea of what it is going to be like to have no job to go to.

It was not encouraging.

I was up at 6 am but then snoozed on the couch until about 9:30am, which was fine. Once up and showered I sat down at the computer to get to work.

First, I checked my email, automatic deliveries of job-posting based on specific criteria. Not one job that I could apply for. So I filled some time by writing a blog post and replying to some emails and troll facebook and the rest of the internet a little. Then I did some searching on careerbuilder and other job-post sites. Nothing.

I did register for a class at the community college, Photoshop — trying to bolster my computer skills — but I’m kind of dreading it. The class is 4 credit hours but 6 contact hours, which means every Saturday from August 27th until December 17th I’ll be spending the majority of my Saturdays sitting in a classroom. Tuition cost me $714. Can’t help wondering what the books will run me. And will I need software of any kind? I’d considered taking a different class, one in health care records management, because that seems like it could be a growing industry in the years to come, but the degree requires some 70 credit hours. That just seems so daunting. I guess I’ve figured I’ve done my time in school, and I’m not all that hip on going back. But it seems to be necessary. So if I’m going to go I should build on my existing skills not start over. Maybe I’m just being a chicken.

I did watch multiple episodes of The Waltons and Roseanne. During commercials and in between episodes I did some more searching. Still nothing.

I guess I had too much time to think today. I should have gotten out of the apartment. I could have cleaned my car, vacuumed and run it through the car wash. It needs an oil change too. Keeping busy is going to be the key, I can see that now.