The other day my daughter was outside, playing in the rain, you know, splashing in puddles and such, when some way too chipper kid came bounding up my front lawn from his car parked in the street. I can’t recall the kid’s name but he was a college student from South Dakota selling books to parents door-to-door in order to earn money for school. A couple years ago some chick from a college in Minnesota came knocking on my door with the same pitch. I actually listened to the girl before politely telling her I was in no position to buy any books. I mean, we use the library, this even before I worked there. But I had not patience with this overly enthusiastic pasty white kid from SD. But of course my daughter was there so I didn’t really feel like I could say what I wanted to, which was something like: “Whoa, whoa Chatty Cathy. Clip your string. I don’t give a rats ass what you’re selling or why. Get your narrow ass off my porch before I kidnap you, bound you with duct tape, and take you down to Detroit and tie you to a lamp post with your pants pulled down around your ankles and write in permanent marker on your white ass cheeks I Hate [pejorative for black people].”
The thing that really pissed me off was the assumed sense of familiarity. The kid kept name dropping people that live on my street, as if that would fucking legitimize him bugging me. But here’s the deal. I don’t really associate with my neighbors that much. I know a few by first name, but almost no last names. And I know, I know, it is a sales technique, but it seemed so much more obnoxious coming from this kid. Why do get this bad feeling that Millennials are natural salespeople, and they’re fav product is, of course, themselves. Ack!
I’ll say this, though. The kid was pretty good. He could sense I wasn’t going to tell him off with my 7-year-old there. And he managed to weasel out of me my name, Colleen’s name, and the make of car she drives. So he could show up later, which he did with some too cute little Asian chick in tow.
They actually fucking waved to me from the street when the pulled up. Well, I picked up my daughter to cart her off to bed and let Colleen deal with them, because she can dismiss people without being a prick like me. I just want to kick people’s asses.
Anyhoo…the kid actually said “Oh, hey, Colleen. Did Chris tell you that a cool college kid would be coming by?”
To which Colleen retorted: “No. Actually, he didn’t. But he did say someone would be. I assume that is you.” She didn’t give the kid time to reply but went on to explain this: “I don’t know if you’re aware but in Birmingham there is a no soliciting list and you have to get that list from the city before you approach homes. We’re on that list.” She said the kid was instantly deflated. Boo YAY! Is she a badass or what! Damn that’s hot!
You know, though, the other thing I would have liked to say to the kid is if you’re from South Dakota what the fuck our you doing here in Michigan anyway? What? Did you figure you’d bilk a bunch of people here and take that money back to SD to spend? Are you a fucking idiot or what? Do you realize how poor the economy is in this state?
Also, I would have liked to question him as to why I should feel the need to subsidize his fucking education by purchasing over-priced books that I can get at the library for free. I don’t care how crotchety that sounds. I worked to help pay for school. My parents paid for much of it. But I mowed laws, tossed pizzas, worked in a video store and cleaned fucking bathrooms at Metro Beach Metro Park. And I didn’t fucking annoy people. Well, not that much anyway.
I know what the kid was doing in my neighborhood. I live in a wealthy zip code, and these kids and the company they worked for targeted our area code because they figured they could push a lot of books on us, but I and my neighbors are not the rich. You’d think they’d be able to tell that from the small ranches houses without HUMVEEs or Escalades or BMW or Mercedes or whatever in every fucking drive way.