BEISD — A new pyschological “condition”?

Stands for: Bradley Effect Induced Stress Disorder

This is the anxiety experience by ardent Obama supporters — as opposed to wish-washy types who will, yeah, ok, vote for the guy if they happen to get around to getting to the poles on election day, that is if they happen to be, by some chance, actually registered to vote — whenever anyone even suggests that Obama might not win because of his race, citing specifically Tom Bradley, a black candidate for mayor of LA who was well ahead in the polls but ended up losing the race, because supposedly white people, for fear of seeming racist, said that they intended to vote for Bradley but then didn’t.

Symptoms include:

– A sudden drop in optimism coupled with a sudden rise in pessimism.

– Inexplicable urge to accuse a random white person of racism, preferable someone you don’t know personally and/or who can’t hear your accusation and thus can’t respond to it directly, but definitely a white that is either widely known or at least believed to be, racist, or, you know, obvisouly is, I mean just look at them and listen to the way they talk. Please.

– Persistent paranoia directed at certain select friends and/or family members who say they are going to vote for Obama but you just know they’re talking out of their ass. Like your high school friend or your cousin who is an avid hunter, has dozens of plastic NASCAR car models that he has carefully constructed himself mounted on the knotty-pine walls of his basement, laughs himself stupid over Larry the Cable Guy, and still insists on driving a gas-guzzling 4×4. Or, like your Silent Generation grandparents who may be life-long Democrats that voted for Truman, Kennedy, Johnson and Carter (they never did and never will trust that Bill Clinton character, and don’t get them started on that wife of his), but who also still regularly employ the term “The Blacks.”

– The shakes, mainly in the form of suddeny, violent hand tremors, which of course could be explained by the 8 to 10 cups of coffee that you drink daily, but you just know this feeling is more than an over-indulgence in grande lattes.

– Heart palpitations. Could also be a caffeine induced, but there’s not documentation to support that, no reliable stats, no fucking witnesses dammit!

– Obsessive need to check and re-check poll results. At first daily, and then semi-daily, then hourly, until pretty soon your mouse clicking from political blog to political blog like a compulsive masturbating shut-in nymphomaniac that jumps from pron site to porn sit. Click click click click click click. Ooohhhhhh oohhhhh ohoh yeaahhhh babeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy.

– Delusions in the form of seeing elephants (and not the cute Disney Dumbo kind either) or giant gorillas (and not the friendly purple Hanna-Barbera 70s cartoon Grape Ape kind either) sitting in the room.

– Inability to be consoled except by watching The Daily Show with John Stewart, Countdown with Keith Olberman, and The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert, and even then it is only temporary.

– Plagued by the presistant fear that upon entering the voting booth you yourself will inexplicably be unable to cast your vote for Obama. Related to this are nighmares that involve a voting ballot so confusing that, if filled out wrong, might not only cause you to mistakenly vote for McCain for president but there it the very real chance that you could participate in changing the rules that disallow anyone from serving more than two concsecutive terms and Bush wins an actual third term, or, alternately, so that Cheney becomes president or Tom Delay, John Ashcroft, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh NNnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooo! Another variation on this dream is that the ballot is in Arabic or Farsi or French or Sanskirt is actually a highly complex mathematical equation that only a three people in the world can solve, and one of them isn’t Matt Damon as Will Hunting.

Because it is so new there is no established therapy to treat such a condition, including no pharmaceutical treatment, unless you count various self-medicating substances. Perhaps the only real way to assuage this “ailment” is for Obama to be elected the 44th President of The United States of America.

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