Today marks the last day (and night) that I will spend in the house I have called home for about 7 years now. You know, when I say it it doesn’t seem like all that long. But really home is more about the people you live with than the place you live in. And in that case the home I’m leaving I’ve known for more than a decade. Now, that does seem like a long time. It does to me anyway.
Anyhoo… from now on I will only be a visitor there, although I’m sure it will still feel like home in some way, at least for a time. In a way, I’ll be glad when it is finally sold and I’ll never have to return to it, but that’s not going to happen for some time.
Tomorrow (Friday, April 23, 2010) after I pick up my daughter, get her home (her home, not mine), feed her dinner and make sure she’s completed her homework, I will, after Colleen home (her home, not mine) arrives from work, leave and go to my parents condo, where I’ve installed myself in the spare bedroom. And I suspect that will not feel very much like home. How could it? At least not at first.
This fact hangs over my head like some immense entity in the sky just waiting to fall and crush me, and I cannot escape it.
Perhaps it is too much to call today the “worst day ever!” even if it does feel that way. It’s probably more accurate to call it the “worst day ever…so far!” After all, considering circumstances there are likely to be even worse days in my future.
I’m sure that sounds pretty pessimistic, but really can you blame me? Besides I don’t think it’s so much pessimistic as it is realistic. I have a hard time believing that it is all up hill from here, that there aren’t sadder days ahead. But what do I know.
I’ve been attempting to prepare myself for this inevitable departure, in small ways. For example, instead of calling it “home” I try to say “the house.” As in, “I’ll see you at the house later.” And on my cell phone I’ve changed the land-line number designation from “Home” to “Derby house.” But I don’t know that that really helps much.
I don’t know that anything can really help. It is simply something to be done and endured. What else can you do?