Sometimes I just can’t help wondering where it comes from, this angst. I wake up and I’m fine, I feel good. And then I remember that the AC was running all night because it was so damn hot last night and I start wondering how much that is going to cost me. I’m scared to get my power bill this month. Because when I first moved in my second power bill was enormous and it seemed out of whack but of course I couldn’t convince the customer service jag-off of that and so what else could I do but pay it. I can’t afford big power bills but if I dont’ pay it that fucks up my credit rating and…..
It’s six a.m. and I know exactly where I am, and I wish that I could be anywhere else. I try to go back to sleep for thirty minutes but my mind is racing already so you can forget about a few extra winks. And I remember that I won’t be seeing my daughter today after work; she’s going with her mom to a BBQ. And that makes me sad. I’ve got nothing planned for this evening, no distractions. Everyone I know is busy, has plans, or just not responding. I feel as if I have no friends. I suppose I could go to my parents’ for dinner. I’m always welcome there, I know. But sometimes….I don’t know.
Then, I got to work this morning and when I went to check my gmail account there was no job alerts. I get these job alerts delivered to my email in-box via indeed.com. And when they weren’t there I felt this panic because there always there. But I mean, really, what’s the big deal anyway? I could easily just go to indeed.com and do the searches myself. But for some reason it bothers me. And I begin to really worry about my job situation, that I’ll never find another job, or if I do it will be some piece of crap job that I won’t have any choice but to take and I’ll be stuck with it forever.
And like that I’m having a crap day, one like I haven’t had in awhile. I can’t even concentrate enough for the measly hour of my lunch break to enjoy reading a book.
But then, after my lunch break, I sit down at my desk and check my email and there they are — the job alerts. And yeah, out of the dozens of jobs listings there’s only one that I can really apply for and even that is a long-shot, it’s better than nothing. There’s hope.