But first let me explain and apologize for not posting last night after work. I know how disappointing that must be for you all. Sorry for being a tease. But it really couldn’t be helped. For, as you see, I had a date, one that I acquired via a dating site that I was only recently turned onto and which blows eHarmony away. It is called OkCupid, and it is free; of course you can upgrade but it seems unnecessary, at least at this point. As it gains popularity I’m sure that shall change. But I’m not going to get into the many fine qualities of OkCupid right now. (That I’ll save for a later date. If you’re interested, and I highly recommend it, check it out here. It’s very cool and very hip and, for me anyway, very successful, much more so than eHarmony has been. ) Nor am I going to get into the details of my date last night, since it has the potential to be a continuing relationship and I think it would be rude. As a rule, I plan to only blog about past relationship, ones that have ended….more or less (like how I gave myself some wiggle room there — more or less…what does that even mean?)
Anyhoo… onto the true subject of this post.
As any guy will attest one of the few certainties that there are with women (and I’m talking pretty much universally) is that sooner or later they will ask you this question: What are you thinking?
Men, also pretty much universally, react to this question, for some reason, with dread. A friend from high school likes to spout the wisdom of a certain comedian whose name escapes me right now (a little help please) and Al Bundy and no doubt a plethora of other men, men of both renown and obscurity, in response to this question, and that is this: “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I’d be talking.” A reply that no woman on the planet would take will, I’d venture, but that makes it no less accurate.
Still, women want to know and will continue to ask that question so I thought in the spirit of educating others, not to mention at the risk of not only being shunned and booed a the next worldwide all-man meeting but getting my ass kicked, I’ve decided to share some tidbits of male thought, real male thought. Of course, this is just a taste, as the list is far more extensive than those of the female ilk might possibly imagine. It may surprise some of those of the female persuasion that we men think almost as much as we masturbate or watch sports or check out other women’s boobs. Almost…..
So let’s set the scene. We’re out, meeting perhaps for only the first or second or maybe third time, and we’re sitting across from each other at a table in a coffee shop or in a booth at mid-priced restaurant or at a bar. Wherever. Here, in no particular order of importance is what I (I’m using myself as a stand-in for most men) thinking:
- What do you look like naked? (this one is in order of importance, it’s pretty much the first thing guys think when they see you)
- What are you like in bed, i.e. sex not sleeping (this one also is in order of importance, it comes quickly [pun totally intended] right after the above thought)
- Will I get to see you naked tonight? And if not tonight then when?
- Are your boobs as big as they appear or is it a bit of bra technology trickery?
- Why do you still have your coat on? Are you hiding the fact that you have really small boobs?
- Do you have big pink nipples or small darker ones?
- Are you aware that I am checking out your boobs? Is this working against me or in my favor?
- If I were to reach over and grab your boob right now what would happen?
- Will you notice if I adjust myself because staring at your boobs is giving me a hard on?
- What will it be like to kiss you? Should I try to kiss you tonight? Or should I wait? Will you be offended if I try to kiss you or offended if I don’t try to kiss you?
- Are you going to order the most expensive thing on the menu? And if so, are you going to offer to split the check?
- Do you expect me to walk you to your car afterward? If I do, will you allow me to kiss you? If you do allow me to kiss you, should it be a quick sweet peck or a longer, deeper kiss?
- Are you wondering what I’m like bed, if I’m good lover, do I have a big enough penis?
- Does that fact that my hair is thinning a little bother you?
- Do you think I’m tall enough? Big enough? Strong enough?
- Are you impressed by my job? Or my car? Or my education?
- Do you like to perform oral sex? Or do you just do it because you think you have to? (I really don’t care either way as long as you do.) Do you swallow?
- What kind of underwear are you wearing? (I don’t really care that much if they match your bra or if they are cute and frilly as long as I get to tug them off you later tonight.)
- Why do we refer to panties in the plural, i.e. “they” , when they are a single entity. One pair of panties. I mean, who wears two at a time. Unless you’re particularly cold or just really trying to mess with a guy’s head.
- Will you try to mess with my head?
- Why do women mess with your head?
- Do you have a hot friend that I’m going to be unbearably attracted to and sort of wished that I’d met before you?
- How long will we have to date before I can stop holding in my farts? Can I let out the fart I’m holding in right now and get away with it? Are you holding in a fart right now?
- Do you like to watch sports? Do you care if I like to watch sports? Would you be willing to watch sports with me while naked?
- Do you like watch porn? Do you care if I like to watch porn? Would you be willing to watch porn with me while naked?
- Do you trim your pubic hair, shave it completely, or leave it like a jungle down there. (I’m cool in any case, I’m just hoping I get to check it out for myself.)
- Do the drapes match the carpet? (Again, not a big deal to me, I’m just hoping I get to compare for myself)
- If we get more serious are you going to want to take me out shopping and pick out close for me, dressing me like life-size doll, because I’m not really that cool with that, but if it’s something I have to endure to get laid I probably will.
- Is my penis bigger than your ex’s? All of your exs’s?
- How many positions are you willing to do during sex? Will you do reverse cowgirl?
- Are you going to make a big deal out of it if I leave the toilet seat up? Or if I don’t replace the toilet paper, or don’t put the roll on the “right way” (PS technically there is no right way)
- Do you think I’m smart?
- Do you think I’m funny or are you just laughing to be polite?
- Who are you texting?
- Do you really have to leave to feed your dog or do you just want to get away from me?
- Will you think about me on the way home? When you get home? While lying in your bed with the lights out, touching yourself?
- Do you realize that I’ll be thinking about you later when I’m home alone, and jerking off? Do you care?
- Will I ever see you again? And if so will I get to see you naked then?