even harder than I thought

My first weekend out of the house was even harder than I thought. But I don’t know what I expected. What could I expect? This is all brand new to me. I’ve never done this before, which begs the question: do I ever want to do this again?

Ask me now and the answer is a resounding: Hell no!

Which begs another question: Do I even want to consider another serious relationship…ever?

I had my doubts about marriage before now, and after this, well, let’s just say it hasn’t really improved my opinion much.

Probably too early to be even thinking about that sort of thing anyway. I’m not just going to run out and meet someone just to meet someone, just so “I won’t be alone.” blah blah blah. That seems  ill-advised, if you ask me.

And I know what you’re thinking: I didn’t ask you. Too bad. You’re getting my opinion anyway. This is, after all, my freaking blog, buddy!

Who am I talking to anyway?

I don’t know

Quiet, you!

Bffffft!

Anyhoo… the beginning of the week hasn’t been much better than the weekend. And what really troubles me is that I find no solace in things that had, in the past, always brought me comfort, things I could escape in, like reading books and watching movies. I’ve already blogged about not being able to stand music very much these days. Ack!

Thing is I don’t really have the luxury of NOT being okay. I’ve got my daughter this weekend. I can’t take care of her if I’m wrapped up in my own miserable self-pity — wah wah wah! Not to  mention self-loathing.

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Well, that’s that then…

… I guess.

So why do I feel as if there should be more, I don’t know, not fanfare, that’s not the right word, but more…something to mark this dismal occasion.

For one thing , it’s too bright and sunny outside to reflect my bleak  mood. My misery. Where is the rain? And the gray overcast sky? The chilly ill wind? Eh, who am I kidding, I know better — the world does not adjust itself to your moods. If it mirrors it it is simply a coincidence.

Worst day ever!

Today marks the last day (and night) that I will spend in the house I have called home for about 7 years now. You know, when I say it it doesn’t seem like all that long. But really home is more about the people you live with than the place you live in. And in that case the home I’m leaving I’ve known for more than a decade. Now, that does seem like a long time. It does to me anyway.

Anyhoo… from now on I will only be a visitor there, although I’m sure it will still feel like home in some way, at least for a time. In a way, I’ll be glad when it is finally sold and I’ll never have to return to it, but that’s not going to happen for some time.

Tomorrow (Friday, April 23, 2010) after I pick up my daughter, get her home (her home, not mine), feed her dinner and make sure she’s completed her homework, I will, after Colleen home (her home, not mine) arrives from work, leave and go to my parents condo, where I’ve installed myself in the spare bedroom. And I suspect that will not feel very much like home. How could it? At least not at first.

This fact hangs over my head like some immense entity in the sky just waiting to fall and crush me, and I cannot escape it.

Perhaps it is too much to call today the “worst day ever!” even if it does feel that way. It’s probably more accurate to call it the “worst day ever…so far!” After all, considering circumstances there are likely to be even worse days in my future.

I’m sure that sounds pretty pessimistic, but really can you blame me? Besides I don’t think it’s so much pessimistic as it is realistic. I have a hard time believing that it is all up hill from here, that there aren’t sadder days ahead. But what do I know.

I’ve been attempting to prepare myself for this inevitable departure, in small ways. For example, instead of calling it “home” I try to say “the house.” As in, “I’ll see you at the house later.” And on my cell phone I’ve changed the land-line number designation from “Home” to “Derby house.” But I don’t know that that really helps much.

I don’t know that anything can really help. It is simply something to be done and endured. What else can you do?

Emotional Borderlands

Right now I feel as if I’m living in some kind of  bizarre borderland or something.

I’m married (technically anyway) and yet I feel alone. I live in a house that more and more it doesn’t feel like my home.

Thing about this borderland is that it is littered with these invisible vortexes or wormholes or whatever. They’re everywhere and it’s pretty much impossible to not stumble into one. And like that you’re sucked into a different dimension, a whole different emotional state, and fuck if you know how you got there. Makes you feel like you’re losing your mind sometimes And it can literally can make you feel and seem like a crazy person.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just stressed because I’m doing the single-parent thing again this week. Same as last week when Colleen was in NYC only this weeks a bit more difficult because Addy’s not on Spring Break,which means she needs to be dropped at school and picked up. She needs a lunch in the morning and dinner at night. Plus there’s homework after school. Damn, kids today have a lot of homework. At least, it’s only temporary for me. What about those people who do it every day. It doesn’t end after a week. It just keeps going and going…. How do they do it? What choice do they have, right?

Daddy Daughter Road Trip

That’s right. Addy and I are hitting the road tomorrow. For Indianapolis. To visit my brother and his family, including one of Addy’s favorite cousins, Miss Riley Roo!

Traveling always makes me at least a little nervous, although it never used to. I used to find it much more exciting. Not sure when that changed. When I became a father? Before then? I’m not really sure. I just know that it makes me uptight now. And, taking a trip as a single parent is even more nerve-wracking. You have to be responsible for everything. You really appreciate how having a spouse made it easier. There was two of you to make sure you that you didn’t forget anything.

But really, other than critical medications, what could you possible forget that couldn’t be bought on the road or once you get to where you going?

Of course, it also means that I do all the driving, there and back, about five hours each way, which really isn’t that much, especially when you consider that I made a 13 hour car ride from here to Iowa a few years ago. (I took an alternate route. Don’t ask.) Still, there are more comfortable rides than my Honda Civic. But it’s got cruise control, so I got that going for me.

At least Addy is old enough to pack her own bag. Sort of.  I guide her along and check her packing but mostly I try to leave to her. She’s 9 after all.

But then, I’m 42 and I could really use someone looking over my shoulder when I’m packing. And I did…but not anymore.

One thing that makes traveling a lot less stressful is a GPS, which I’ll be using on this trip. It’s Colleen’s but she’s graciously allowed me to use it. Thank you! It’s so much better than trying to read a map while you’re driving, or trying to memorize the directions. You don’t have to make as many stops. Chances are I’ll get one for myself after I move out. Should probably get my own suitcase too. There’ so much stuff that I don’t have…

Anyway, I’ll probably be up for a little while, running through a mental check list, to make sure I don’t forget anything. And, oh yeah, now that I think about I need to get gas on my way out of town. But I’m sure that I will forget something. I usually do. REMINDER: packs snacks!

Let Single Dad Week begin

Colleen’s off to NYC for work today, which means that I’ll be doing the single dad thing with Addy for the remainder of the week.

She’s on her Spring Break and fortunately spending her days with a very cool babysitter. Addy loves hanging with older girls/women. Of course, she loves hanging with most anyone. Unlike me, she is quite the people person. Gets that from her mom. Wished I was more like that sometimes.

Anyhoo… Addy being on Spring Break makes my single-dad duties a little easier. I don’t have to worry about getting her up and ready for school in the morning. And I don’t have to pick her up from school. Also, we don’t have to deal with homework. Although Addy does need to work on her times tables — 7s through 12s mostly. Just need to get her dinner and rest is hang time.

We’ll probably watch movies, play video games, maybe a game of Sorry, and wrestle and have tickle fights. Nothing like a good tickle fight to boost your spirits, which I’m going to need today.

Why? Because today marks another step in the transition from being married and living in a home with Colleen and Addy to being divorces and moving in with my parents and living as a separate co-parent with Colleen. Life is going to get a bit more complicated. That’s for sure. And lonely. But it is what it is, right.

I’m not sure if Colleen being away will make it easier or harder? I’m conflicted about that. It was definitely hard this morning knowing we were entering this new phase, knowing that she would be gone all week and by time she retunred Addy and I would be gone. How will things be different once we finally do see each other again?  Took me awhile to finally get out the door this morning. <sigh> The rainy weather seem appropriate today.

At least, Addy and I have our trip to Indy to visit my brother, his partner Jim, and their daughter Riley to look foward to. We leave Friday morning for the weekend. Normally, I’d be a little stressed about packing and logistics but Addy’s already got that all organized in her head. She runs through the list of to-dos daily.