Bleak mornings in the grim shadow of divorce

Mornings are the hardest right now.

Especially with daylight saving time in effect (or is it affect?) and it’s still dark outside. I often wake before the alarm goes off and just lie there in bed, staring up through the dark at the ceiling. I’ve little, if any motivation, to get out of bed. That’s when my thought grow long and bleak, even dark at times.

Plus this morning it was raining.

It doesn’t help that work is slow and I’ve less than usual to occupy my time. Because what does help is doing something, anything, make a decision, even about the smallest thing. I find that planning for what’s coming next helps. And of course writing helps. Although it’s always temporary, very temporary. Minute you stop moving that’s when the bleakness sets in again. And there’s nothing to be done about it. It just is what is it.

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I keep thinking but nothing happens

I intend to write posts for this blog. I want to. But then I just don’t. Often, I don’t know what to write about. Or just as often there is too much to write about. I don’t know where to begin. Plus, much of what is rattling around in my head and my heart are things I simply don’t want to air in a public forum. It just seems pathetic, not to meantion petty and juvenile.

And so here I am, feeling stuck.

I’m tired, and sad. Any joy or relief is temporary, very temoporary, which in some ways is worse, because as soon as I realize that I feel okay I clench up with fear, wondering when it will drain away again.

ugh — this sucks!