How to Begin

Previously I blogged about being a contributing writer for JenX67’s blog Are You There God, It’s Me Generation X.  Now that May is almost upon us (and thank God, too, because April really was the cruelest month this year for me) I’m starting to ponder the possibilities for my first post.

In the forefront of my mind is a post about being a single dad and all that entails. Contributing bloggers for JenX67’s site begin submitting in early June so I’ll have May to gather material.

But I’ve also considered that I might be able to get something out of living with my parents (I’m a three-time boomerang child) now, like how the TV almost never gets a rest. I thought I watched a lot of TV. And it’s so LOUD — WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO LOUD?

Of course, there’s always my angst over money, and conducting a job search an the crappiest job market that I’ve ever known. Plus how my age, 42, factors into the equations. Not to mention that my technology skills have deteriorated in the past half-of-a-decade. And the skills that I do have may not translate well into the industries I’m looking to get into — advertising, marketing, publishing. I probably won’t be able to be very picky. The only thing I know I can’t do is sales. I’d suck at that.

In any case, I’ve got some things to think about and consider.

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Stuck in the land of If Only

If Only is a place you do not want to break down in, because it’s real easy to get stuck there, lost in a maze of regrets and woulda shoulda coulda blah blah blah.

If only I’d done that. If only I’d done this. If only this had happened. If only that had happened. If only this or that hadn’t happened, or I hadn’t done this or that. It’ll drive you batty. And who needs that, right?

I’ve spent some time wandering around in the land of If Only. It’s kind of cross between the land of the Lord of the Rings and that hedge-maze in The Shining. Yeah. Frightening. I know. And complete waste of time.

So when you see the road sign for If Only up ahead, hit the gas and speed on through. Because even Rambo could get lost there.

My e-coming out

Check it out. JenX67 has posted my impending coming out as a contributing blogger on her site ,beginning in June. I got’s a bio and magnatar (whatever the hell that is) and everything.

I was hesitant about taking this on at first, but I finally talked myself into it. It took some coaxing though, let me tell you. Had to hold myself at squirt-gun-full-of-Frank’s-hot-sauce in the bathroom mirror for the better part of an hour to finally come around.

I’ll be concentrating on writing about being a divorced GenX dad since I’ll be getting plenty of first-hand material on that subject. But also about co-parenting with Colleen. And how we got about reforming our family in the wake of our divorce. Plus, I’m sure the fact that I’m boomeranging back to my  parents place for the third time is likely to provide some fodder, hopefully humorous and not too pathetic.

Anyway… here’s hoping I don’t screw up royally or make a complete fool of myself. Woo hoo!

even harder than I thought

My first weekend out of the house was even harder than I thought. But I don’t know what I expected. What could I expect? This is all brand new to me. I’ve never done this before, which begs the question: do I ever want to do this again?

Ask me now and the answer is a resounding: Hell no!

Which begs another question: Do I even want to consider another serious relationship…ever?

I had my doubts about marriage before now, and after this, well, let’s just say it hasn’t really improved my opinion much.

Probably too early to be even thinking about that sort of thing anyway. I’m not just going to run out and meet someone just to meet someone, just so “I won’t be alone.” blah blah blah. That seems  ill-advised, if you ask me.

And I know what you’re thinking: I didn’t ask you. Too bad. You’re getting my opinion anyway. This is, after all, my freaking blog, buddy!

Who am I talking to anyway?

I don’t know

Quiet, you!

Bffffft!

Anyhoo… the beginning of the week hasn’t been much better than the weekend. And what really troubles me is that I find no solace in things that had, in the past, always brought me comfort, things I could escape in, like reading books and watching movies. I’ve already blogged about not being able to stand music very much these days. Ack!

Thing is I don’t really have the luxury of NOT being okay. I’ve got my daughter this weekend. I can’t take care of her if I’m wrapped up in my own miserable self-pity — wah wah wah! Not to  mention self-loathing.

change is good, open windows, and other cliches.

I know that when people say these things they are only trying to be helpful, and I appreciate it. However….

When I hear “Change is good,” I can’t help thinking of that line from You’ve Got Mail:

People are always saying that change is a good thing. But all they’re really saying is that something you didn’t want to happen at all… has happened. … the truth is… I’m heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died … and no one can ever make it right.

That’s how I feel. Granted, I chopped that quote up, but I don’t own a charming book store and my mother hasn’t died, so it only seemed appropriate.

And then there is the ever popular, God doesn’t close a door without opening a window, which, I got tell you, sounds a little macbre. I mean, what does God want me to do? Jump out the window?

Still, I suppose that cliches have their function. People want and need to provide comfort and when you don’t know what to say, when you know that nothing you say can really fix what’s been broken, a cliche gives you something to say, some way to say I’m sorry that you’re hurting and hope that you will soon be better. I care. And that is a good thing.

Perhaps one of the best things that anyone has said to me came from my cousin, who urged me to “Don’t let anyone tell you what you need. If you want to stay in bed with the covers over your head for a couple of days or gorge on ice cream then do that.”


Well, that’s that then…

… I guess.

So why do I feel as if there should be more, I don’t know, not fanfare, that’s not the right word, but more…something to mark this dismal occasion.

For one thing , it’s too bright and sunny outside to reflect my bleak  mood. My misery. Where is the rain? And the gray overcast sky? The chilly ill wind? Eh, who am I kidding, I know better — the world does not adjust itself to your moods. If it mirrors it it is simply a coincidence.